Damned Po-lice...

So on Monday, Easter Monday, I'm on my way to work.

I'm late 'cuz I faxed something for Denfo, but whatever, it doesn't really matter 'cuz I normally drive this way. I was heading up Winston Churchill when suddenly my lane was hitting the brakes. I changed lanes to the left lane to go around those vehicles.... and that's when I noticed WHY people were hitting the brakes.

There, in the middle of the lane, was a cop. Pointing at the fuckers he nabbed on laser radar.

He flagged two people in the lane I used to be in, and they pulled into the little sideroad they were working out of. When he pointed at me and motioned to the curb, I was still passing a whack of cars. So, I finished passing them and pulled onto a short merge lane about half a block up from the cops. I hit my hazard lights and waited.

Well shit.

I went just over 14 years of driving the way many of you know I drive without getting stopped for speeding in this province. The other two times I was caught were stateside, and nothing came of those tickets. This one though... This one would matter.

To make things worse, I was meaning to renew my sticker, I honestly was. But then the week before my birthday I spent a lot of time drinking and smoking pot, and that whole renewal thing took a back seat.

...ooops.

So anyway, I was looking into my rearview mirror to watch the cop walk the half block to my car. I wasn't going to back up on Winston Churchill; I'm fairly certain there are laws against doing that sort of thing. Besides, I was going to make those bastards work for their ticket.

Looking backwards, I saw the laser tripod on the sidewalk. No cops. They went to the two cars that pulled over into the sideroad. I waited a minute or so longer and noticed the flashing lights of a cruiser a block ahead to catch those who don't stop for the foot-cops.

How many cruisers? I couldn't tell. But his lights were flashing... he was busy.

...might as well drive, I thought. The cops aren't coming up to me, I could argue that I misunderstood the cops hand gestures. Maybe I had. I mean, if they wanted to ticket me, they'd be on my ass right? Yeah, that's what I'd tell the cops up ahead.

...maybe I'd drive up to them and act stupid... "Did they motion to me to pull over? I don't know, it seemed like they did, but they never actually came up to my car, officer. ...yes, thank you, you have a nice day too... Happy Easter!"

Yeah. That's what I'd do.

I hit my hazards and drove off. As I approached, I saw there was only one cruiser. I might not have to play stupid after-all. His lights WERE flashing, and there WAS another car there. A white something-or-other with a broad at the wheel. I thought I'd drive by slowly in case the cop turned and flagged me as well, then I could pull over casually in front of them as though that was my intention all along.

...he didn't flag me. Quite busy with the broad in the white car.

So I drove off and hit the highway and went off to work.

And I bought a renewal sticker at lunch.

So. I firmly believe that I cannot be pulled over and given a ticket that matters.

I've tested this theory every time I've hopped behind the wheel of a car. The only time I'm doing under the limit is when I'm gaining speed to exceed the limit.

Maybe being born on St. Patty's day carries some sort of blanket protection deal, I dunno.

Yaaayy, the luck o' the Irish.

...Art

Jackasses.

Okay, first off, Lewis Black is my idol. I'm a prick, a real jerk, but that guy... that guy makes me realize I could be SO MUCH MORE. Great show, and I'm pretty sure everyone who came with enjoyed it thoroughly. My attempts at recording the show however didn't go as well as hoped; the audience cheering was really really loud and so to keep that from clipping, Lewis ended up being really really quiet. I figure I'll dump the recording to PC some time hopefully soon and maybe be able to play with sound levels and make things listenable.

Anyway, I called up Bell today 'cuz I'm having billing issues again. This time they're ugly. Worse still, it doesn't look like they're willing to fix things. Well, there's no fucking way I'm going to be holding the bag for several hundreds of bucks 'cuz THEY've fucked shit up, so I guess I'll be losing my phone number again. Telus and Bell down, Rogers/Fido to go? ...sigh.

Oh, best part was a conversation I had with two client care reps. I called to get a copy of the memos and comments on my account. The first rep told me that they don't give that information out. I told him that they had 30 days to comply with requests, otherwise I get to talk to the Privacy Commissioner of Canada about it. This is something I know from back in the day when Telus took their sweet ass time in giving me a copy of that shit.

I was put on hold.

He said he was going to look into things, and I guess he must have been doing SOMETHING for a few minutes while I listened to Bell's cheese-ass on-hold music... then I was hung up on.

I called back.

I spoke to a new rep, and I told him I was hung up on and would like to pick up where I left off. His first question was, "How do you know you were hung up on?" ...wait, what? He repeated the question.

"Uh, I was on hold listening to on-hold music... then there was a loud click, and then an EEEEECH-EEEEECH-EEEEECH-EEEEECH! So... I'm pretty sure that means I was hung up on." My mom who was in the same room as I was when I made this call just lost it. She turned a scary purple-red colour as she tried to laugh out loud only without the out loud part. She ended up just leaving the room.

Seriously, what the fuck kind of question is that? Anyway, eventually he went off and found out that I had to write in with my request to some address in Quebec. He gave me the details, and then mentioned that they ask that I submit my request in English.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Well, good. Just so happens that we're speaking English, so I guess I can pull that off."

"Well, it IS a bi-lingual office", he says.

"Listen, if they required me to make my request in French, that fucking story would make tomorrow evening's news reports."

...God I hate Bell. And I hate the French. But especially those in Quebec. On an individual basis, I'm cool with a lot of people in Quebec, but as a province, seriously, their free ride has got to stop. I'm sick of all the good jobs requiring bi-lingual reps... It's a brilliant ploy to ensure all those fucking Frenchies step to the front of the line when it's time to hire people no matter where they are in the province. And why? Just so that some fuckers who live in a predominantly English speaking country can get support in their niche language even if they speak perfectly fluent English?

Fuck that.

If I had the power, I'd totally put an end to that bullshit.

...where was I? Oh yeah. Fuck you Bell Mobility.

The rest of you, have yourselves a great day.

...Art

P.S. Being 30 blows, but not as badly as I had feared. More updates to follow, unless I die of old age or complications thereof, in which case there will be no updates to follow. ...so there.

Wow.

Okay, being 30 hasn't totally sucked ass yet.

Today, on the day of my Lewis Black (MUDDERFUGGAHS!!) show, I find out that my girl snagged me tickets to the SOLD OUT Nine Inch Nails show (MUDDERFUGGAHS!!!).

Like... holy shit.

I wanna turn 30 EVERY week!

So... I'm sure there'll be a Lewis Black update blog, and I'm going to make an attempt to record said event. If I'm sucessful and you want a copy, lemme know.

...or maybe I'll let you know if I'm sucessful. THEN you can let me know.

...you know, fuck, whatever. I'm GOING TO SEE LEWIS BLACK, BITCHES!! *THEN* I'm going to see THE SOLD OUT MUDDERFUGGIN' NINE INCH NAILS SHOW!!

...heeeee!

...Art

Last day of Twenty-Somethingism.

I hate birthdays. I don't really like gathering people around and making them feel like they have to give me stuff. The whole gift-exchange thing irks me. I hate birthdays 'cuz they make me keenly aware of the fact that I'm getting markedly closer to my death. I hate them even more when they're... significant. This one, this one's significant. The big Three-Oh. 30. Sweet mother of crap. When'd this all happen? Thirty god damned years? Buh. That BLOWS.

So, I've gotten two gifts so far, a bit early, but whatever. First off, I'd like to direct you all to www.dpad.ca where my buddy Joe put up a birthday comic strip for me. Thanks bud! Ah, that Rofo. Always with the scamming.

Then, Christina came home and insisted on giving me my present today. A Ticketmaster thingy! And two tickets inside! Oooo... What am I going to go see?

...Lewis Mudderfuggin' Black, BITCHES! Ah, Saturday's going to be a great night.

Hell yeah.

'Cuz really, there ain't nothing better than an angry Jew on the verge of a heart attack.

Hrm. I might just be in a good mood into my 30's after all!

...Art

Hey, Jesus did it, why not a webcomic?

So d+pad pulled a Jesus and came back to life to save us from a boring world. Why not click on the link and give them a visit?

Tell 'em RawEffect sent ya.

In other news, PC restoration's being more of a bitch than I had hoped... maybe this week I'll get things back up and running. One can only hope.

I'm just briefly going to mention that TWO Nine Inch Nails shows in Toronto sold out in like 5 minutes and I didn't get tickets. If I say anything more about this, this post will be some 10kB long and will make me very very angry.

...Art
(Scalpers'll make some green offa me)