Season's Greetings

Yo, blog-bitches, Rofo in the hizzouse.

Have a good holiday, yo, and all the best shit for the New Year.

...Rofo

Ugh, Christmas time.

So Iza took it upon herself to make a list for her blog of shit she loves about this season we all tragically find ourselves in.

I felt it necessary to point out the flaws in her thinking.

...I hope I don't have to ask Santa for a new girlfriend for Christmas...

- Huge snowflakes.

Like the kind that pegged me in the eye last year and rendered me temporarily blind. If I was relying on my vision, innocent people could have died. What if one of those buggers pegged me in the eye while I was driving a vehicle like a minivan in the winter, and the minivan was filled with people who were stranded in a winter storm and needed to seek medical attention for their frost bite or something... but it was a 1989 Chrysler minivan so the wiperblades didn't work and the fan, while making a lot of noise, couldn't push hot air for shit which meant the windscreen was covered in ice and impossible to see through? That's why I'm sticking my head out the window while trying to rescue this minivan full of people, and we could have veered off into a tree or bridge and died. ...see? Bad.

Hrm, this is going to take forever if I post that much for each of the following points, so when I say something is wrong or bad, just take my word for it and don't question me.

- The way a decorated Christmas tree sparkles and glows in a dark room.

You mean the Christmas tree that weeks prior was growing all green and lush in the woods providing shelter for random cute woodland critters and had been the annual nesting location for some birds? Deforestation for land development or pulp mills is rampant enough, but at least we get those lands for whatever we needed them for, or paper for all the things we do with paper. These trees sit in people's homes for a month or so then get pitched to the curb with the rest of their trash.

- Over ten people helping push your car when you get stuck in a snow bank or a snowed-in parking spot.

That would happen any time of year to anyone who has boobies and a nice ass. *I* was stuck last year in my car and I had to call a tow truck 'cuz no one would bother helping me out. Well, except the crazy lady who helped by dropping a hammer on my hood. Otherwise, the only way I'd get a push is if the neighbour happened to have been outside already and didn't want to appear to be rude, or I was blocking the road for someone else and they wanted me the fuck out of their way.

- Getting the fireplace going.

Fireplaces are cool. Too bad they use wood. At the cottage at least we take the trees that fell due to age or weather for the wood, where were YOUR logs clear-cut from?

- Making pierogies.

Slaving away in the kitchen. THIS point I'm not going to rag her out for; that IS after-all HER PLACE.

- Making Christmas themed cookies with coloured icing.

See point above.

- Laughing about the messed up icing on a cookie that makes Santa's face look evil.

Santa *IS* evil. Hell, even the Christians agree with me on this one... "Jesus is the reason for the season." It rhymes, so it MUST be true. Well, that and it backs me up on this point, so it's all good.

- Home Alone movies airing on TV.

That Culkin kid's annoying. Isn't he gay? I dunno, whatever, even HE had the smarts to stand aside for Home Alone 3 and let that OTHER kid take the fall for how bad THAT movie was.

- Shoveling snow on a Saturday morning when everyone else on your street is out doing the same.

Yaaayy!! Manual labour! Each year, hundreds die while shoveling snow. Heart attacks and such. Thousands more injure their backs, or develop blisters on their hands.

- Having someone bring you tea or hot chocolate while you take a break from shoveling.

This doesn't happen for the vast majority of people who simply stay out and freeze until they're done, then go inside and try to warm up.

- Eating warm home-made pierogies with yummy "barszcz". Mmmmmm.

For you non-Eastern Europeans out there, "barszcz" is soup. Made from beets. Or beetroots. There's a reason why English-speaking people would puzzle over that word, wondering how to pronounce it. It's a sort of built-in protection mechanism designed to discourage us from eating things that potentially taste like ass or burn the rectum. I believe I've said enough... Heh, but just in case: "BLEH."

- Hot chocolate with marshmallows.

While fattening and helping cause tooth decay, all those refined sugars DO taste good. ...unlike "barszcz".

- Fresh snow.

Tastes better than the yellow variety, but still causes countless injuries from motorvehicle, snowboarding, skiing, and slip-and-fall accidents.

- Gift-wrapping presents. (It's one of my favourite things to do, EVER.)

Papercuts.

- Skating outside in a rink surrounded by lit up Christmas trees.

Another source of cold, fatigue, and injury, skating involves attaching sharpened steel blades to your feet to move yourself along a hard frozen surface with speed. Those lacking the skills to snap spinal cords with speed have to put up with agonizingly slow shuffling along on ice, peppered with lower-velocity repeated impact with the frozen surface. Gravity is NOT your friend.

- Trees covered in snow and ice.

Quebec and Eastern Ontario had a run-in with this not too long ago. Caused widespead power outages as trees brought down powerlines, and hydro towers toppled. We all remember that, right?

- Seeing huge icicle everywhere.

Sharp implements of injury and death, they fall from buildings and maim those unsuspecting people below. Also, children are often encouraged to break them off and have sword fights with someone.

- Breaking them off and having a sword fight with someone.

...ooooooo... deja vu.

- Listening to Christmas carols from the 50s and 60s.

No good music came from the 50's and 60's, though your out-of-touch parents might disagree. That is, assuming they remember that era, they were probably fairly young in the 50's, and high on acid towards the end of the 60's. If your parents are older than most that read this blog, I'm sure they disliked the 50's and 60's too, for other reasons.

- "Carol of the Bells".

After clarifying this point, it turns out that this is the one Christmas tune I think is relatively well composed and such. Shame that it gets played so much at the malls for the month that I'm thoroughly sick of it by the end of the first week of December.

- Having snowball fights.

Made more fun if you pack snow around a chunk of ice. A pro-tip for you blog readers from an old master. I remember getting sent to the principal after a snowball fight in grade school and not giving a DAMN 'cuz frankly that snowball hit that new kid on the shoulder from clear across the parking lot. It was a great shot, while most of the other snowballs thrown by the other kids were bad misses.

- Making snow angels.

Mine always seem to have a tail and what appears to be a pitchfork. I'm not sure what that means.

- Building a snow fort in the backyard.

Even more fun is kicking them down and whitewashing the kids.

- Getting back inside to find snow in your hair, pockets, socks, pants and sometimes underwear.

My asscrack isn't meant to be cold and wet.

- Taking a hot bath or shower right after shoveling snow or being outside, and jumping into bed right after.

...I guess if you had to suffer outside, this is actually a pretty good thing. It'd be nicer to be outside in shorts and a t-shirt, maybe with a beer in one hand, and a plate with a slab of meat off the BBQ in the other hand... anyone disagree? Those of you who disagree, substitute a joint for the beer and re-evaluate your answer.

- Reading a book by the fireplace.

Reading in low light strains your eyes, I believe.

- Looking at Lucky looking all handsome-like in his Christmas bandana that he gets from the vet (his annual appointment is always before Christmas).

The Christmas Bandana is something I've witnessed. It's kind of fun to dress your domesticated animals in human items then laugh at their expense. Though, honestly, Lucky DOES look cute in his bandana.

- Hanging candy/chocolate Christmas decorations and hiding them a little deeper in the tree so no one will find them but you.

Ah, greed. Greed is great. Good thing the point of the season isn't to share with your loved ones.

- Watching someone open a present from you.

...hope the smile on their face isn't forced, and the gift you blew money on doesn't get tossed in a closet and forgotten, or worse still, become a dreaded "recycled gift". You know, the one that given enough Holiday Seasons mysteriously ends up back in YOUR possession?

- The way the snow reflects moonlight at night and looks all blue.

Most sunglasses are designed specifically to cut down the amount of blue glare or haze as it's straining for the eyes and uncomfortable. The effect of a cold still night with the snow lit by moonlight, if not spoiled by city lights and the sound of nearby traffic, is eerie and haunting and calls attention to the fact that the trees are barren and not busy producing life saving oxygen for us to... you know... breathe and live on.

- Eggnog!!

Fattening dairy product with chicken embryo filler. I'm not a fan of drinking my poultry.

- Driving somewhere in a snow storm.

...hope you don't get stranded, suffer frostbite or hypothermia, and then die as you're being rescued by some blinded bastard in a shit-box minivan.

- Mittens.

Gloves articulate better.

- Watching Lucky try to cross a patch of ice without slipping.

Again, making fun of your domesticated animal possession IS a good time... mean and insensitive, but a good time!

- Having time off from school.

That's a no-brainer. Eventually you get OUT of school, and that becomes utterly irrelevant though.

- Spending time with others that have time off.

Standing in line to fill out your employment insurance claim forms... it's kind of like that, right?

- Getting together with people you normally are unable to get together with (often) during the year.

Reminds you of why you don't make more of an effort to see them throughout the year.

- A bunch of people with jumper cables stopping to help you when your car doesn't start.

Go back to my Tits 'n' Ass explanation from earlier.

- People who go out of their way to help you when you lock your keys in the car in a Loblaws parking lot by getting you a coffee, offering their cell phones if you need to call someone, offering to drive you home so you can get the spare keys and back, or trying to open it with a metal hanger they got from a cleaners down the street. (Yeah, this happened to me last year).

Dirty man? Old lesbo? I need more details to help explain this one.

- Shopping for presents and finding that perfect gift (happens only sometimes... but when it happens, it feels great).

I think I had that this year. It prompted me to return my previous gift idea which I thought was the perfect gift, but then realized there was a SO MUCH MORE perfect gift out there. I guess that's always the case though, there's always something that would have been so much better...

- The yummy food.

I always gain the most weight and feel the crappiest around this time of the year... I don't have enough time to lose the Thanksgiving luggage, then Christmas gets added to the heap.

- Driving behind someone leaving the mall at a parking lot who leads you to their spot so you can take it.

...A common courtesy that even *I* exercise year-round. Can't be that big a deal if *I* show people hunting for a spot where I'm parked, eh? Don't forget the people who cut into the spot you've been waiting for with your turn-signal on even though they JUST turned into your aisle. I love Christmas parking lot hassles!

- Buying gifts for kids. (Whether they appreciate it or not, you've gotta admit that shopping at Toys-R-Us is awesome.)

They unfortunately don't sell shotguns and tasers at Toys-R-Us.

- Christmas socks with bells on them.

Helps me keep tabs on where my girlfriend's roaming off to, much like cow bells on the farm. I guess these items get my thumbs up too.

So there you have it. It's nice that we agreed on a couple of things on this list. It's little things like these that are the mortar of our relationship.

...mortar unforunately has two meanings, mortar the cement or bonding agent, and mortar shells used in bombing places and killing people. If we break up, you'll hear about it here on my blog.

So anyway, people, have yourselves an enjoyable season. Have fun and don't let the Grinches like me ruin it for ya.

...Art

Another wasted Sunday night...

Session Start: Fri Nov 05 22:25:28 2004
[22:25] dendrie: canopies, canopies, canopies of lollipops!
[22:25] dendrie: mmmmmmm-mmmmmmmm
[22:25] dendrie: rhymes with cotton!
[22:25] dendrie: good ol' le sabre
[22:26] dendrie: gazoooks!
[22:26] RawEffect: I have this thing, it's like a wonderful boat a boat that makes milk from pavement
[22:26] dendrie: and gods from used toilet paper - wowwy zowwy!
[22:27] RawEffect: And beeeautiful pavement it is, until this Mexican has a pepper mill and I don't like pepper mills but then he says Mikey, I don't know your ladder any mo' but if you want you can have some toaster ovens...
[22:28] RawEffect: ...but not the chocolate ones, I like the chocolate ones, you know what I mean? Hah hah! Raisins and dragons, raisins and dragons.
[22:28] dendrie: he's the bestest Moses evah!
[22:29] RawEffect: Yes! His toes certainly are!
[22:29] dendrie: =)

[22:31] EEZAH: .....what.....the.....fuck.....?
[22:31] EEZAH: uuungh?
[22:33] EEZAH: ....uhm, Art?
[22:33] EEZAH: ...what's all that about?
[22:33] RawEffect: Christina and I are just talkin...
[22:34] EEZAH: ....holy shit.
[22:37] RawEffect: Hmm?
[22:38] EEZAH: ...nothing.

Have a good week, y'all.

...Art

Nine Inch Nails tour kicking off next spring, eh? Any ideas who here will be there? HERE'S A HINT... I'm the one typing this into his phone. FUCKING RIGHT. Can't wait. ...Art